Preparing for Nothing

Happy Valentine’s Day to the man who keeps me sane, who helped me love again, who gives me the strength to go after my dreams no matter how hard things get. 

Happy Valentine’s Day to the man who still makes me smile when I want to cry, makes me laugh when I’m angry, and makes me feel better with a touch.

Although we can’t be together today, I want you to know that I love you and that you mean the world to me. You continue to give me the courage to stand up for what I believe in and do whatever it takes to succeed. Even though these past six months have been geographically challenging and stressful, you never failed to support me. Thank you for always being there and loving me unconditionally.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sean. I love you :)

There’s nothing more awkward than running into someone from high school or college post graduation that you never really cared for, dressed in a uniform with a name tag on your blazer, standing inside the front of a chain restaurant. Last year, I found myself in that exact spot.

Recently let go from a job that I spent 4 years of college trying to land, picking up the pieces from a breakup of a relationship of almost 5 years, I found myself standing in a restaurant trying explain my situation to someone I didn’t even like, who never even asked. I was a blubbering idiot. She stood there in a suit, on her way to a business lunch, staring at me, not giving crap about what I was doing with my life and appeasing me with a nonchalant smile. Yet still, I felt the overwhelming need to continue to explain myself. 

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m ridiculously driven, motivated and on a good day, self-confident. My friends wouldn’t hesitate to reiterate those attributes either. But I never felt like such a failure like I did that day. I felt lost. I had no real direction, no idea where I was going to end up, grasping at anything to make myself look better. I blamed it on the economy and the tough job market, that I really didn’t like my job before, and it was easier to work in a restaurant to dedicate my time to find a job I loved. These were all true, valid reasons but it still wasn’t enough. 

I have high expectations of myself and working as a hostess certainly wasn’t meeting any of them. At the same time, I wasn’t simply sitting around waiting for a job to fall into my lap. I was working really hard perfecting resumes and cover letters, chasing after what I hoped would be my dream job but I wasn’t getting any bites. It was frustrating and defeating. I had only moved into my apartment 4 months earlier and I was trying to make my way completely on my own. Bills were beginning to pile up and a hostess’ salary wasn’t exactly cutting it. Sure it wasn’t an ideal life but I was trying. I felt really embarrassed.

On top of that, the hostess job was awful. I hated it and I was miserable. Eventually, I had to pickup a second job and I wasn’t sure when I was going to find something that would make me happy again.

One day, on my lunch break, I walked into a restaurant I drove by everyday on my way home from work. I asked if they were hiring and filled out an application. Turns out they were looking for someone to start the following week.

I ended up having the best time, meeting and working with great people. The food was plenty and so was the drink. It wasn’t the most glamorous lifestyle but at least I was having fun. I stayed there until I finally landed an internship in Chicago, which I thought was my ticket to true happiness. Until it wasn’t…

Those closest to me know that I am quite possibly the most impatient person in the world. I want good things to happen right away (and hey, who doesn’t?). But I also worry myself sick about what is to come or the unknown around the corner. I wish it was that easy for me to relax and let go but I’m a doer and fixer. I don’t like to complain and when I do, I want change my situation sometimes before that’s even possible.

Above everything else, I want to be happy. I don’t find happiness in material things but in the satisfaction of doing things well. I want to be successful whether it’s in my career or in relationships. I want to do life well. 

Now, I have a fulltime job in New York City and a new apartment. The pieces are slowly starting to come together but I still can’t help but feel like a piece of me is missing. A really, really big piece and no idea of what that piece looks like…

“O look there’s Manhattan” “Yeah, she’s a bitch. She has everything you want but you can’t have”

- 2 Broke Girls